Posts tagged courage

A View From the Last Day of 2010

8 Comments Relationships
Dec. 31, 2010

Almost every day for the past 10 years, (except when I’m traveling), I have woken to this beautiful view; sometimes bathed in apricot and peach colors of sunrise and sometimes, like on this brisk winter morning, dusted with snow. Almost always the piñon and juniper-covered hills are outlined by the blue backdrop for which New Mexico’s skies are famous. Every morning, as my mind shifts from the realm of dreams to self consciousness, I am reminded of the “Big World Out There,” beyond my own thoughts and feelings, immediacies, concerns, duties and habits; beyond, even, my own mortality.

I know I am very lucky to sleep in the safety, warmth and comfort of a well-built home, to open my eyes to “my mountain” and to be reminded daily of the beauty and majesty of nature. I am also fortunate to have the eyes to see this, the mind to make meaning of it, the body to rise and stretch and consider what I want to do with the day ahead.

Being self-employed for the past 26 years, I know there are days when I’ll “get a lot done” and others when I’ll wonder where the day went. But, inevitably the day passes and, no matter what joys, sorrows, discomforts or challenges I encounter, perceive or dwell upon, I sleep and wake to a new day.

Since we mark these passings with a calendar, the end of a year and beginning of another have created traditions and rituals. Probably like you, I like to take some time to reflect on what I have learned and how I’ve changed in the year past, and envision what I’d like to create in the year ahead. For me, 2010 has been marked by a deeper understanding and practice of Appreciation… for my self, and for every aspect of my life.

This year, I have let go much of my former ambition and sense of accomplishment in terms of money, and have found that the more I appreciate the moments of awareness and connection, the easier money flows to me. I have let go much anxiety and fear around it, substituting every financial transaction with love and appreciation. It is a practice to reprogram decades of delusional control, but very satisfying. Consider that in the financial realm, appreciation means to grow in value.

I have weathered some loses and disappointments – in myself and others. I have accepted the reality of What Is and been bold in moving on and appreciating my ability to end relationships with people whose perspectives or actions are not supportive; or to love them all the more for standing in their truth and challenging me, with love, to better know my own heart and mind.

I mark my years by my travels (never as much as I wish!). In 2010, I went to Playa del Carmen and Cozumel to escape last January’s cold; to my niece Maggie’s wedding in New Hampshire in September — a gloriously fun reunion with family I cherish, and while there drove to Vermont to spent a delightful day with Roberta Shafer, my beloved ninth-grade teacher who I hadn’t seen since 1972; I flew to Denver in October to spend a long weekend with my dear friend Anne at her new home; and spent 10 days in New York City with high school friends I’d reconnected with thanks to Facebook; visited with my housemate from 27 years ago, Joel, and his family (his wife, Neonilla, and I are planing a trip to Turkey in Sept. 2011); attended travel writer events with Swiss-based writer friend Anita Breland, and “social enterprise” day at New York Entrepreneur Week; enjoyed time with the talented Tree Elven; and, at the “Other Israel Film Festival,” I made a business connection that holds some promise.

In a summary of the year’s accomplishments, I closed three real estate deals and published a few articles, spent a lot of time online learning about social media, created the complex website for GreenRoads Realty, updated the related eZine, revamped my personal website, edited some articles for Your Life Is A Trip and cultivated a precious friendship with Judie Fein, and created this new blog close to my heart. I also began practicing yoga again, after many years, and have been encouraged by the success of my friend Maia Duerr’s Liberated Life Project. Throughout, I grappled with chronic discontent and the sense I should be doing something more, something different. Finally, in November, I broke through to Appreciation… a place of joy I wish for everyone.

What’s next? I’ve made a commitment to doing what I most love in 2011 – writing and traveling, coaching businesses and individuals, and facilitating workshops. I am letting go of the activities that have sucked my time. I am focusing on what I most love, albeit through a number of related prisms.

It has not been a “easy year” for me or anyone I know. The systems we thought would work for our lifetime have self-destructed or are unraveling. It is a time of uncertainty and change, full of new potential. I am grateful for this year, for the clarity that has come from it, and for the support of generous-spirited friends and my partner of 26 years who, knowing me better than anyone, stated, “You are a writer and you love to travel. Why don’t you just do that?” So that is what I intend to do in 2011.

When I awake on the first day of 2011 and see my mountain, it will be with the surety that whatever this year brings, I will welcome it. To experience this life and recognize my power to create and in-form reality is awesome. That it took years to recognize this means nothing to a mountain.

Thank you for joining me on this journey to inhabiting our dreams! “Happy New Year!”
I would love to hear what you learned in 2010, and what you intend for 2011. (Please leave your comments below).

With enormous gratitude for your presence,
Aysha

Families and Holiday Strife – The Choice Is Yours!

1 Comment Relationships

Getting together with family over the holidays can be stressful. If you dread obligatory time with relatives – where there are deeply ingrained patterns, predictable dynamics, unpleasant behaviors and topics to be avoided – you know that it is like walking into a minefield of emotional distress.

How you choose to celebrate the holidays, and with whom, is totally your choice – embrace it!

So why would you do this to your self?

Think about it – here you are, an adult who has spent 20, 30, 40 years or more living away from the family that “raised you.” You spent maybe 18 years under the authority and care (however dubious) of these people whose company gives you little if any joy.

As time goes on, those few years under the same roof represent a diminishing percentage of your life and yet – no matter how much time and distance you’ve put between them and you, how much self-reliance, success and happiness you’ve created for yourself – they still have the power to bring you down to your most vulnerable, disempowered little-person self.

How is this possible?

Thoughts and beliefs: “She’s my mother, and I need to honor her!” (or father, sister, brother, etc.). “We’re family, and families stick together.” Does any label give someone the right to treat you with disrespect?  These are powerful forces, but should not be beyond examination if you seek honesty and freedom from destructive behaviors in your self (and others with whom you choose to spend your precious time).  What ideas/beliefs might you hold that keep you hooked in to an abusive dance with someone?

Perennial optimism: “Maybe this time will be different!” So you keep showing up, each time with a different strategy: “I’ll be happy and unshakeable;” “I won’t pay any attention to so-and-so;” “I won’t do/say anything to upset ___;” “I’ll speak my truth and they’ll respond kindly.” You keep trying and getting the same response…is this not Einstein’s definition of insanity? And, is this not textbook co-dependent/abuser behavior?

Maybe, what you want from him/her/them is NOT WITHIN THEIR POWER TO GIVE YOU! This is not because you are undeserving, but probably due to their own guilt, hardness of heart, narcissism, or simple lack of awareness of themselves and their effect on others, including you.

Expectations: Do you expect your dog or cat to speak English, a blind person to see or a deaf person to hear? No, of course not. And yet you continue to expect people who have been disrespectful, sabotaging or diminishing in words and deeds to somehow act differently… this time.

What are you seeking? I venture you are hoping for them to change, to see and acknowledge your value, to appreciate you. GIVE IT UP! No one changes because someone else wants him to. If they change at all, it is because it is in their best interest. As long as they can get away with treating you in ways that are “unacceptable,” they will. Obviously, if you keep showing up, their behavior is good enough to keep the game going, even though it makes you miserable. So the real questions are: Have you had enough misery yet? And, are you willing to give yourself what these others cannot?

Self Love is an inside job: We all need and want appreciation. And yet we must appreciate ourselves so that when others do appreciate us, we can receive it in truth. It’s a common problem among models and celebrities who, no matter how much others tell them they are beautiful, thin or talented, they don’t believe it because they do not know it IN THEM SELF to be true.

Where can you find Apreciation? In the honest valuing of your own heart, in the strength, courage, character you have funded, and in the connections you share with people who treat you with kindness and respect.

When will you stop the pain and abuse? Just as you would advise a woman being beaten by her husband to sever that relationship, you too have the obligation to your healthy self to stop spending time with people who abuse you. While your mother’s sarcasm, your sister’s anger, your father’s indifference may not be as blatant as a physical beating, they are still abuse…and it is up to you to just say “No.”

What will happen if you say “No”? Their “party” will go on without you. They may talk about you behind your back. Who cares? They do anyway! And you can choose to celebrate with human beings who enjoy your company, value your friendship and support your dreams. Or you could take your self off alone on a real vacation and appreciate your self for the courage, wisdom and self-love that only you, ultimately, can give you. No matter what, it’s your responsibility to be honest with yourself and choose how to create and enjoy happy holidays!

If you feel like sharing your experiences with family and holidays, please do by commenting below. If you’d like coaching around this, or other relationship issues, please don’t hesitate to contact me at inhabityourdreams@gmail.com

Why Dreams Don’t Soar

1 Comment Passion & Joy, Relationships

by C. Hope Clark (by kind permission of the author)

No matter how discouraged, your dreams are, after all, yours to inhabit!

What we often attribute to fate and the hand of others is more the fault of grounded dreams – dreams we weighed down ourselves, not allowing the wings to spread and take flight. The change isn’t a sudden slam of a door or quick reversal of speed, but more of a slow easy slide into nothing. And we assume it isn’t our fault. We have to assume some of the responsibility. Whether we admit it or not, we abetted the demise by:

–Letting others dissuade us. It’s amazing how people who haven’t succeeded tend to be the loudest naysayers. While writers are known for having some mighty big hearts, those who don’t understand the craft still tend to believe anyone can pull off a bestseller. We hear far too many negatives, and we start to believe the words.

–Letting past disappointment control us. We’ve failed in other arenas. We’ve had close calls with contracts. We’ve submitted to 72 agents, been rejected 42 times and ignored 32. We’ve divorced, endured physical restrictions, and weathered disease.

–Letting that inner editor tell us that we’ve done fine considering the odds. We’d be better off NOT knowing the odds. That way we don’t settle for less than our best.

–Letting the hard work stop us from tackling another hurdle. We get tired, and our confidence weakens.

–Locking up our imagination. Like dancing in front of people, we fear cutting loose and letting our inner child free. We grip what’s comfortable instead of jumping on the dance floor under the spotlight, where people can easily judge.

Sometimes the odds stack up against us but, face it, our attitude about how we deal with our dreams is completely in our hands. Maintain control. After all, it’s your dream, and no one else’s.

(Editor’s Note: Hope Clark is a writer/editor and true champion of other writers. Her website, http://www.fundsforwriters.com/, is a marvelous resource for both aspiring and seasoned writers).