Don’t you just love provocative titles like this one? Women’s magazines thrive on this sort of nonsense. The Truth is, YOU CAN’T GET ANYONE TO CHANGE!

It’s impossible to address each individual’s circumstance (except in the confidential confines of therapy, coaching or friendship), so I’ll offer some general observations from my own life, and those of clients and friends, and hope some apply to whoever would be attracted to this topic.

1. If you want someone else to change, it’s usually because you don’t like who you are/what you feel like around them. Is that their problem? You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and well being. If it doesn’t feel good to be with someone, then don’t. It really is that simple when you stop justifying yourself or “him”.

2. “But if only he would do this or say that…” There is no end to complaints. If it’s not this thing, it will be another and the next. If you ask clearly and kindly for some consideration and he chooses to ignore your request, then you have his response. Don’t make excuses for him. And for your own sake, don’t hound him about it – that just makes you a “nag” and him the “bad guy” and sets up a destructive pattern of resentment and guilt. He simply does not care about what you care about in this regard. Is that a deal breaker?

3. Fact: Women are generally more verbal and in touch with their feelings than men. There are exceptions, and they are wonderful, but we’re talking about the man you want to be different than how he is. Your guy may simply not have the communication skills you possess (and think he should have too!). But, the bottom line is actions speak louder than words. Men understand that. Are you being the partner to him that you wish he were being to you? You must have appreciated something about his communication style to have gotten involved in the first place. Maybe you need to revisit those endearing traits and consider: were they just an act? was he always this way but you refused to see him? did he lose them through being ground down by disappointments? might you have stop appreciating them?

If his communication really is insufficient to satisfy your needs, and your energy around ‘issues” is sapping your precious life’s time, then get real with yourself and put a “stop loss” on the relationship. Be sure your own lack of self-love is not causing you to be a bottomless pit needing appreciation, and that you’re not just suffering from “grass is greener somewhere else” fantasies. But, if you’re coming from a place of your own power and love, and the way you relate to one another is untenable, you must take charge of change.

4. If this guy really isn’t for you (anymore); if you can’t accept him “warts and all” as he is (not as you wish he’d be!), then do him and your self a favor and end the relationship. That won’t change him, but it will change you — and isn’t that what we’re really talking about?

Your comments and stories please…