This post is reprinted by permission of Greg Newman, a gifted and exuberant body-centered coach/teacher I met at the Hendricks Institute training in 1999. For nine years, Greg has diligently emailed a monthly newsletter, each with a new insight and actual practice for enhancing our communication and conscious awareness. At the end, he poses some “wonder questions,” simple ways to consider the subject without judgment or blame. His devotion to empowering others and his personal integrity, is exemplary. He lives in Madison, WI with his wife June, where they also have a therapeutic massage business. You can subscribe to Greg’s free monthly newsletter by signing up at his website.
DECEMBER BODY-CENTERED COACHING TIP
I have another practice I’d like to share with you just in time for the holidays. I call it listening and loving, because that’s what it is.
Typically when another person is speaking, most of us do something very different than listening and loving. Instead, we often listen and judge, get a rebuttal ready to fire back, mock them in our minds, poke holes in their logic, feel pressure to agree with them and so on.
For example, let’s say that your partner is speaking to you about an issue he or she is having with a co-worker. As your partner describes the situation, your mind goes through a number of mental gymnastics. It makes your partner wrong for having the issue, judges the co-worker harshly for his or her part in it, feels powerless about not being able to do anything about it, or tries to figure out a quick-fix to the problem.
Listening and loving has a very different agenda. You listen generously to what another person has to say, and you love them as they speak. You allow the other person to have their own thoughts and experience. You love them for being able to speak, for their willingness to speak to you, for anything you can find to love about them as they speak. Listening and loving has no agenda except to listen and love.
Have you ever heard a bird sing? You don’t try to outsmart, argue with or coerce a bird that is singing. You just listen and enjoy the song. Each person is a songbird making a song for you to hear.
You might think that listening and loving is boring, or that you won’t be engaging with others if you do it. I have found the opposite to be true. When I am listening and loving, I am present. Space opens between me and the speaker that allows me to hear their words and feelings clearly, without being carried away by them. I am available for the other person, rather than being lost in the maze of my own mental chatter. I feel connected with the person speaking and our conversation can unfold with ease.
When I am listening and loving, I am continuously amazed by the wisdom, insights and creativity that emerge in other people. When someone is listening to and loving me, their loving attention shines a light on my own genius and draws it to the surface like a powerful magnet.
Of course, listening and loving starts at home, inside ourselves. The same ways that you internally judge, ridicule and wrestle with your own thoughts are the patterns that show up when you hear others speak. Listening and loving begins with you, with every thought that passes through your mind. As you learn to listen to and love your own thoughts you will naturally do the same with other people.
So the next time someone is speaking to you, and find yourself mentally or verbally trying to fix them, talk them out of what they think or give them a more enlightened point of view, no problem….just remember to listen and love, and watch your conversation unfold in delightful ways.
…………………………………………………..
DECEMBER WONDER QUESTIONS
Who do you listen to the most in your life? The least?
Who listens to you the most? The least?
What do you do instead of listening and loving?
What would it be like to listen to and love every one of your thoughts?
What would it be like to listen to and love everyone in your life?
Please share what this brings up for you in comments, below… thanks! – Aysha
